cashing the reality check

Tonight is a good night. It's been crazy lately, but tonight is peaceful. What else do I expect, working in a psych hospital? Of course it's crazy. Bad joke.

I got an e-mail from Russ today. We dated some the first part of this year, then he disappeared. He'd helped me with my taxes, then he wanted to help himself to um......me. I thought he was moving waaaay too fast. He sort of turned the tables on me, and thought *I* wanted more than he was willing to give! I still don't know where that came from. So Russ went away. Bye bye, Russ. Then I dated an airline pilot a few times. Nice guy. He was on the go for weeks at a time, then home for a few days. The last time I saw him, he was home, and was finishing some bookcases. He asked me if I wanted to come help. Sure, why not. Bonding over a project is a good thing, right? So, I asked him if he wanted me to do the sandpapering or the murphy's-oil-soaping. Neither, he said. He wanted to show me his remodeling on his farmhouse. Nice house, too, but the kitchen definitely sloped downwards! But it was charming, and quaint. Next he wanted to show me the upstairs. Stupid me! I followed him upstairs. The next thing I know, he had me on the bed and was attempting to remove my pants by force. By some extra human strength, I pushed him off me. He headed for the bedroom door, attempting to close it. I had just put my hand in the door jam, and when he tried to close it, my hand got caught. I didn't think much of it, because I just jerked open the door and ran downstairs. All the time he was yelling disparaging comments at me. The one that got under my skin and stays there to this day is "unattractive women like you should be happy to get some where they can." Ouch. But I was out the door......

Problem is, this is the second time this had happened to me, and in a relatively short period of time. The circumstances for the first time were totally different. It was with a man I had known forever.....if ten years qualifies as forever, and with whom I fantasized constantly about spending the rest of my life with. I knew it would never happen, but nonetheless, the thought was there. We loved each other very much. I knew things would eventually have an unhappy ending, but I wanted the fantasy to last forever. Little did I know the rude awakening I was in for. One day, he told me that he was planning to move overseas; that there was nothing here for him any more (um, not even me?). I knew at that point I had to let go. Letting go proved very difficult. I took it in small stages. When I moved a year ago, I didn't give him a key to my new home. A small step, but very significant. Then I worked up the courage to tell him there would no longer be any intimacy in our relationship, that we had to back off to a platonic friendship. That was a huge mountain to climb, and there were slips and falls along the way. But I knew it was crucial to my soul's survival. Then one day, we were talking....then kissing...then I was saying no, hearing myself say no as if I was sitting beside myself......and the next thing I knew, he was on top of me. I remember it as if I was sitting beside myself, watching it happen. To this day, I have no recollection of the physical sensation of rape, but I do remember I was bleeding, which told me it was fairly rough. To his questions, no, I wasn't going to call the cops. Here was someone I loved, how could I throw him under a bus? I wasn't thinking. But eventually he left. I have no recollection of anything else that was said that night, only that I was suddenly alone, and very frightened.

Since then I have become a different person. I have no wish for a man in my life, no wish for intimacy, not even a battery operated boyfriend. I'm just cold from head to toe where the thought of intimate love, relationships, and anything involved is concerned. Don't touch me. Don't kiss me. I'm unattractive, remember? I believe it. I see only ugliness in the mirror.

I've built up the other side of me, the side that gives to others in my nursing work, the nurse that listens to the stories and cries of people in crisis and understands exactly what they are going through. I'm there for my family, my friends, and I give and give until there is nothing left of me. In a way I want to give until I disappear. I'm uncomfortable with anyone wanting to give back to me. Luckily, that almost never happens. I'm unattractive. I'm good for only one thing....giving. I don't recieve well. I don't recieve at all.

Once in a while I hear from the love of my life, the one who shook me out of my fantasy world by violating me. I feel a "push - pull" of emotions. I want to see him. I don't want to see him. I have to get used to not seeing him anyway, because in a very short time, too short of a time, he will move to Europe and I will never see him again.

That will be the day that life, as I know it, ends. But I have to go on living. Forging a new life, one as a family matriarch, seems to be the best fit. A family matriarch, Mom, Grandma, nurse, all of them can be me; unattractive and still make a positive difference in the lives of others.

I want to be beautiful. I want to be loved. It will never happen, but I want to be able to dream it might and not have the fantasy bring tears to my eyes. I've cashed the reality check, and it bounced.

..........to the present day...........